I haven’t been training much these last few weeks and to be honest its got me feeling a bit lost and lonely. Things haven’t been going great, with stress levels increasing and sleep decreasing, it was bound to unravel eventually.
The bike shop has been going well, with lots of bikes coming through the shed. But its had a massive impact on our sleep and overall health and wellbeing. I end up spending my weekends on the sofa or in bed desperately trying to rest and recover for the week ahead, rather than out riding with Ryan or friends. When I did manage to get out on Sunday, I bonked massively and I’d only been riding round with the kids – to be fair those 9 yr olds can go pretty hard! I’m getting worried and nervous that I won’t make it round the 2W Enduro in just a few weeks time, as that is a full on weekend of riding. Plus, its been stressful enough just trying to organise a weekend away. We knew that starting our own business would be tough and we would have to make sacrifices, but how far do you take it?
Training isn’t everything and looking at my numbers, I’ve barely made any progress this year anyway, so part of me is wondering what’s the point. I started training and putting in the work when riding wasn’t fun anymore as I had become unfit and it all felt too much of a struggle. I’m fitter and faster, but now I’m not able to find the time to go and ride, which isn’t fun either. This lack of riding is making me question my identity as a mountain biker/cyclist. Can I even call myself that when I’m not making enough effort to get out on the trails each week. How am I meant to encourage and inspire other women to put them selves and their hobbies/passions first when I can’t even do that myself. I feel like a fraud and a failure – oh Hello Imposter Syndrome, nice to see you again!
I want to be someone who is fit and active and who has non-negotiable daily activity in their life. I don’t want to be confined by the identity of ‘Mountain biker’ or ‘trail runner’ or ‘triathlete’ I just want to be happy, healthy and strong, feeling the freedom to pursue which ever activity I choose, without restricting myself into a box or label, or being permanently exhausted from work!
So often our habits define our identity, but what if we let our identity define our habits. If I can change my identity mindset to that of ‘a fit, healthy person who exercises daily, eats well and is productive’ then I might be able to build those habits easier. Rather than telling myself ‘I’m an unfit person who WANTS to exercise more, eat better and be more organised’, which tells me I’m not good enough to do those things.
The last few weeks have been a lot of thinking about what I want and what I can do to get back to feeling happy and healthy. What I’m doing at the moment isn’t working and things need to change…